from the doodle pad: pickpocket

you pickpocket!
how i loathe you and despise you... for your audacity to crawl into the night
crawling behind my back...
making the best out of my oblivion.
you struck me without me knowing
and took me by surprise.
i fought you, yes, i did
with all the defenses i knew
yet off you went with everything that you stole.
you, pickpocket...
i'm talking to you!
you who i loathe and despise with all that is left of me...
you, pickpocket...
come back...
give me back my heart...
... and i'll never ever wear it on my sleeves again.


09.06.2003

from the doodle pad: shadow

though i run
though i hide
still its there
still behind
no way out
no escape
every breath
every step


its making me weak...
... this shadow...


09.20.2003

from the doodle pad: untitled III

some things happen
that you just cant explain
you try to look for reasons
but fail all the same.
some things happen
can't stop them though you try.
it goes deeper and deeper
without you knowing why.


-01.01.2003-

snapped: sugar feeling angel

selected shots only.

model: sugar
05.25.2010

snapped: marcelo b. fernan bridge (mactan bridge)

out of a whim photo shoot.

posted selected photos only.

photo credit: dru nevermore

location: marcelo fernan bridge

05.22.2010

from the doodle pad: forever

friendly smile. simple hello.
eyes meet. fires aglow.
unsuspecting hearts. unheard whispers.
stolen glances... forever lingers.


fleeting touch. silent intentions.
midnight tears. suppressed emotions.
innocent hearts. captured together.
unspoken wish... lingers forever.


confessed feelings. mutual affection.
shared romance. love's perfection.
passioned hearts. pure surrender.
promised eternity... forever lingers.


forbidden bliss. love denied.
chained hearts. heaven deprived.
timeless regrets. painful "never".
a hopeless tear... lingers forever.


- 05.31.2001-

from the doodle pad: your mystery

you are a mystery

and you remain to be one

you hide deeper and deeper into your own world

as the silver moon hides in the night sky

i can measure not

the depths of your soul

but of certainty it is one

that weaves down into the unknown.

for what is it that you hide

from me and perhaps, the world?

a peek is all that can ever be..

a harmless glance but never a lingering gaze.

what will it take to assuage your guard?

would i be deprived of the answers i ask?

if the questions then remain unsatisfied

and the answers yet unfound

then you will remain that same mystery

the mystery i cannot seize.

-02.15.03-

from the doodle pad: forbidden

i long to tell you forbidden words...
... words i am not supposed to utter.
but you see, its all in here
kept, hidden, and left unrevealed.
because that's how it should be.


fear creeps through my soul
and i try to avoid your gaze...
'cause i know the moment you see my eyes
they will confess the guilt of loving you.


i should never fall,
you should never fall.
for loving entails hurt and pain and tears
-all the things we try to run away from.
we've been there before.
love is the road we should tread not
if we are to keep our hearts whole.


just let it go
because that is how it should be..
...kept, hidden and left unrevealed...
... suppressed, denied and soon,
maybe, even forgotten.


i should never fall,
you should never fall,
my reason forbids it.


-november 2002-

from the doodle pad: a look inside

i look at her face
darkened with pain
fear you have never seen.


i look at her heart
bruised with fear
pain you have never felt.


i look into her eyes
staring back at me
looking back at myself.


- 2003 -

i bought another journal early this month.. i know, i know, i've been hoarding notebooks and journals.. its just that it's cover has a "quote" that is sooo apt these times...


this is what it says...

from the doodle pad: contradictions

scorching is the sun, burning like fire
the world is ablaze, yet it is cold.


blue is the sky, lighted  by day
the world is bright, yet covered with darkness.


people walk around, littering the streets
the world is so full, yet it is empty.


everyone breathes, taking in air
there is life in this world, yet death looms over it.


-01.22.2003-

from the doodle pad: there's no such thing as love

there's no such thing as love

there is only

pain,

confusion

and

fears

hopeless dreams

and

tears.

its just deception

there's no such thing as love.

there's no such thing as love

man thought it up...

'said it would make you complete...

... it comes...

you don't have to seek.

it is plain deception

an idealistic conception

there's no such thing as love.

there is only you

there is only me...

pain,

confusion

and fears

hopeless dreams

and 

tears

there's no such thing as love.

-2002-

from the doodle pad: *@#?!*

what is the use of a sunrise?
if the great star will just set?
the sea rush to shore one minute..
and then roll back away from it?


same as why did i have to see you
and then watch you as you leave
same as why did i have to have you
ans still lose you in the end.


you are the sun that shone on me
you are the sea that kissed the shore
so why did you have to set on my sky
and roll away from my feet?


just make me understand.

from the doodle pad: ellipses

...and yes it's all too clear

you fell too fast

you fell too deep

you felt too strong

it made you weak

and you tried too hard

there are things in this world

one should not believe.

you wish you knew...

-august 2002-

past tense: hair

i miss this look... and the carefree personality that went with it.

on hiatus

its running 2 days. since i last went out of the house.

a year ago, this would have been one of my top 3 hardest things to do.

but things change... 

first off, i am on the verge of poverty... not that i haven't declared bankruptcy over and over again for sooo many times.. its just that this is the point when i feel the threat of permanence in terms of meager income inflow. i have resigned.

which brings us to the second reason why i am suddenly homebody. since i have tendered my resignation (yes i have!), i have lost interest in doing my job (unproud moment). but i promise to deliver what is expected of me before my term ends. come june, i will be unemployed... and "un-earning." sob.

third, the sun is too hot. need i say more? sun blocks and lotions which promise UV protection just doesn't seem to work anymore. 

yesterday, i think i didn't spend more than a total of 2 hours out of bed. i even ate in bed (sorry ma). i still had the orientation to perform self-care activities of course.imagine how i feel... it's like mild depression minus the crying and chest tightness (hilak-hilak ug huot-huot sa dughan). 

no. it must not be the hormones... its just way too early for that. 


so if i only had my way.. and my cash... here are the things i would have done during my 2-day "sick leave"...

1. go wind riding to new places (like outside the P.I hahaha)
2. take beautiful pictures
3. spend a night under the stars
4. learn something new... like cooking or surfing (i wish)
5. of course, shopping

snapped: random

we lose some

never did i believe when people said i could write.. 

but maybe i did. 

back during the years of youthful .. youthful.. umm..  i could not find a word.

now, i think i've gotten too old for "writing" my heart out.

always having second thoughts, always meeting a gap, a space, which can be filled by words i simply cannot arrive at.

my brain is incapable of reckless imagination - as it has been programmed to... (there's that gap again)... to shut most raw emotions in. its like an automatic lock i have set myself.. only to find out years after that i have forgotten its code.

Fatal Strokes

i write with my heart

a stain i try to rid myself of

for in every word that down i write

i give out a little of my soul

the ink springs not from the pen

but from thoughts deep down inside

i submit to such fatal transparency

with every single word i inscribe

to never touch a pen might imperil me not

my very wraith locked up with my very soul

but to be forbidden to write is deadly still

for poisoned is the ink allowed not to flow.

-05.15.2003-

snapped: destination anywhere

photo credit: dru nevermore

osmeña peak traverse to badian

02.17.2010

from the doodle pad : souls hearts and fools

who made a mistake?

who is to be blamed?

the trusting fool?

or the fool who can’t be tamed?

thoughtless actions

bitter words spoken

uncommitted soul

a heart left broken

and the cycle goes on

just on and on

thoughts and words

souls hearts and fools.

-2002 something-

snapped: prenatal portraits in sepia

shot : 7 + months ago

snapped : portraits in b&w

 (9 months ago)
venue: ilihan.. san remegio
models: sir vic, kiddie and kit

from the doodle pad: overthought

weary i have become of all these

things so simple yet i cannot grasp…

… or those that i refuse to take in.

so in shallowness i wallow,

in pity and remorse,

not understanding my own state of contemplation.

what is it then that i need?

what is it then that is amiss?

amidst all the truth i can grasp not,

or those that i simply refuse.

amongst the justifications i create and pretentious apathy i cloak myself with,

it is beyond my ability to befalse this truth…

that this world-weariness that is consuming me,

is in fact an after effect of your sudden indifference.

-bex-

100403

from the doodle pad: Love Poem

some tread by foot

some fly with wings

some swim in tears

others dance on strings

some become beggars

some become thieves 
some become poets

wearing hearts on their sleeves

the meek become stronger

the proud see through little child’s eyes

the wise, a fool one minute

shaping truth out of lies

a song most often heeded 
to a tunnel with unknown end

painful sweet stupidity

to some, a foe… 
to few, a friend

-written 6 years ago i think-

from the doodle pad: 08.29.2009

having you near

is like heaven and hell

a double edged sword that i keep cutting myself with.

cause being without you, i just cant be whole

just half a breath

half a beat

half a life..

it’s not living at all.

and yet, the nearness of you pricks in more ways than one.

your hands within reach but they refuse to hold mine

you are near yet so far away

so which pain would i rather take?

which side of the sword this time?

will the day ever come..

when i will feel no pain

in the absence or nearness of you?

shaken, not stirred

05.11.2010
handuraw, gorordo


at the age of 24, i’m still fool (pun not intended) full of drama… and sh*t.

here i am, desperately trying to write about what? love? don’t you think that’s a bit overrated?

i haven’t had alcohol for quite sometime and this one bottle of ice-cold erythematous pony is galloping a bit too quickly into my brain.

at this point , i’m missing my former drinking buddies… chiggy (now, successfully detoxified), dan (whose liver i think is vaccinated against liver cirrhosis), and cheu (who used to be unattached). mosh (who’s sooo far away) would undoubtedly be here with me if she was in the Phils. tin and julie, my co-divas, whom i miss singing out my RH-infused-lungs with.

sometimes, we miss our wild younger days, especially when we wanna loosen up.

been scanning my phone for prospective “kaladkarins” to accompany me. it seems everyone’s too busy, if not too old, to drink out tonight. lol

(photo dated : may 2009)

a toast to my attempt to write again:

can you?

drag me to walk

dare me to jump

push me to move

open my eyes

nudge me awake

rekindle my fire

ignite my spark

awaken my soul

can you stir me up?