Repost: night out by myself

from my multiply acct post dated 06.13.08


ive been onlyn for 4 hours. 

and ive done nothin but visit friends' friendster and multiply accounts.
i intended to write a blog that makes sense but i couldnt.
i guess ive learned to keep thoughts and feelings to myself. hence, im no longer able to write  like i used to.

ive lost most of my kadramahan... and sometimes i miss it.

or maybe im just so caught up on shielding. 
drama messes everything up.

from the doodle pad: moonshinehollow

wake me up

from impending slumber,

keep me from falling

into an abyss of silence.

wake me up,

shake off the threatening weariness

enfolding my restless soul...

because i do not want to fall... 

deeper and deeper

into an abyss of silence

where you could not hear me...

... even if i scream.

from the doodle pad: again, again and again...

there you are again...

with your unreadable face

that familiar gaze

and all too careful talk.

you are the air...

no whimsical thoughts for a spying fool

whose heart forgets its place...

...but you know just too well where yours belong.

and as though i was hue-less air

you will see this simple complexity

... that my heart is in all the wrong places...

and it cannot find its way.

cause there you are again...

with your unreadable face

that familiar gaze

and all too careful talk.

...and here i am again,

a fool...

...running with open scissors...

and infinitely wrapped around your fingers.

So I have decided to speak of more worthwhile things.

I wouldn't want this blog to be all about me... No one would want to read if I talk just about my self.. I don't intend to make an online diary in the first place..so maybe I will write more on places I've been to, people I've met, food I've tasted.. Just anything under the sun BUT less of me. Will try.

Post script:
I need to go wind riding... Even for a day.

Blogging on an itouch.. It's that boring here. Well, I'm not really wishing for some adrenaline rush right now. I'm fighting off the temptation to lie down on one of those labor room beds. My eyes are getting heavy.. Just great. 3 and a hAlf hours to go and it seems time is going by in slow mo.

Soooo...

How I miss the effect you have on me...
Your warmth as you flow through my veins
Your bitter sweet taste upon my lips.
I miss the way you awakened me.
But you have lost it.
It that makes my heart go fast and skip beats.
Nonetheless, I can't really quit you completely.

(to caffeine)

I'm learning to write fast with touch I must say.
:)

nurse kuno

i'm a nurse.
and i can finally say it with conviction. hahaha

i've been on duty for seven days already... at 3pm, i'll be on my eighth. and finally... i'll get my rest day tomorrow. it wouldn't feel much of day off though.

and finally, after much re-thinking whether i'll blog on this or not,  i'm finally letting my mind speak on my "volunteerism". hahahah

random thoughts re: my hospital experience

• i think my body clock is still set on 9am log-in time. ahahah. i still hate getting up early for a 7am - 3pm shift (what more if i was on 6am-10pm shift!)...
• of course, i felt automatically at ease in the wards.. after all, i have spent 2 years of r.l.e duty there. :D
• my biggest problem (aside from the lack of money.. hehe) are my uberly sensitive hands. derma meds are extremely costly you know... and it's imperative that i wash my hands often! i think God must have given me these allergies by mistake (pang-datu ra man tawn ni oi).. OR... he has planned for me to get rich.. :))
• 5 days in the laboratory... ahhh... vacation. pwede mag replacement duty sa lab?
• speaking of replacement duty, ummm... i'd need to add 2-3 more days of absence to my 5. :D a wedding and a 2-day exam. now, how to ask permission from the sup?
• i had my motherhood skills honed in the nursery and it really isn't easy to be a mom...especially if you have more or less 10 babies to tend to.
• in exactly 15 mins, i'd be leaving for my p.m shift... labor room. ka daghan na ba ug buntis sa kalibutan!!! not a day goes by that a baby isn't born! makes me marvel at the strength of mothers... despite the lochia and the poo that goes with it. makes me love my mama more.
• i think i'm really lucky to have gotten in this hospital. daghan siguro ko backer... kung kinsa man mo, thank you :D
• i miss my salary but i'm enjoying my job right now. hahaha.. and that thought gets me through. sorta

an old pic.. will upload a new one next time. :))

from the doodle pad: ode to my addiction to ballpens

to the nice pens in national bookstore:

i see you there again

i always seem to know where to find you.

its somewhere i should be avoiding

cause its hard to stop when you've got me started.

your presence is hard to turn away from

makes me want to touch you...

to know if it feels just right...

to drag you across the sheet... (i really don't like this line but can't seem to find another to replace it)

several have come before you...

...and have gone...

either broken, forgotten, or stolen...

dried up or simply just lost.

would i be able to own you?

let alone, touch you?

06.22.2010

hoarder

something i'm slowly getting over: 

my itch to buy pens and papers.

oh yes, my favorite store is national bookstore.

i love the song... "you make me feel" by archive

World freediving champion Guillaume Nery had for some time wanted to establish a link between his sport -- which requires diving to incredible depths on a single breath -- and BASE jumping, which involves free-falling and parachuting from stationary objects." 

(for the complete document... 

http://www.grindtv.com/outdoor/blog/17914/freedivers+breathtaking+plunge+into+abyss+caught+on+video/)

from the doodle pad: ode

you are rooted deep
and your presence is disturbing
on best times, you're nothing
but that numb spot or slight throbbing
on worst days, you're an agony...
painful, gnawing and piercing.
i've pretended much too long
a hole that's not empty
a presence in absence.
my forced indifference made you seemingly non-existent
but in truth, you're making me rot
and the necrotized flesh stinks of you...
undeniably... unbearably.


now, it's out of my mouth.
you're out of me.
what a relief.


05.21.2010

snapped: ending summer (NOT)

what can i do but be supportive?

gets tiring sometimes though... i have never been good with pouts and i run out of poses. hahaha

luckily, ez filled in as substitute.. 

date:05.29.2010

location: panglao, bohol

photo credit: dru nevermore

(selected pix only... complete pix @ my FB acct)

snapped: around fuente circle

photo walks with dru and urly...

date:05.25.2010

location: fuente circle, cebu

photo credit: dru nevermore

(selected pix only... complete pix @ my FB acct)

snapped: water baby

photo credit: dru nevermore

location: balicasag island
05.29.2010

i have always loved the sea, sun and sands... i could've been lil mermaid in my past life. haha

its my first time to snorkel though... loser mode, i know... nevertheless, it's one thing ticked off my bucket list now.

although we missed the dolphins in balicasag island, we sure enjoyed feeding the fishes.. got nibbled by one too..boy, they were huge... just like those that we enjoy eating hehe. 

thanks to the birthday gurl, ate babes for the all expense paid balicasag get away...

no, its not the end of summer... it's still at its peak. 

me... trying not to float.

virgin islands, panglao, bohol

from the doodle pad: pickpocket

you pickpocket!
how i loathe you and despise you... for your audacity to crawl into the night
crawling behind my back...
making the best out of my oblivion.
you struck me without me knowing
and took me by surprise.
i fought you, yes, i did
with all the defenses i knew
yet off you went with everything that you stole.
you, pickpocket...
i'm talking to you!
you who i loathe and despise with all that is left of me...
you, pickpocket...
come back...
give me back my heart...
... and i'll never ever wear it on my sleeves again.


09.06.2003

from the doodle pad: shadow

though i run
though i hide
still its there
still behind
no way out
no escape
every breath
every step


its making me weak...
... this shadow...


09.20.2003

from the doodle pad: untitled III

some things happen
that you just cant explain
you try to look for reasons
but fail all the same.
some things happen
can't stop them though you try.
it goes deeper and deeper
without you knowing why.


-01.01.2003-

snapped: sugar feeling angel

selected shots only.

model: sugar
05.25.2010

snapped: marcelo b. fernan bridge (mactan bridge)

out of a whim photo shoot.

posted selected photos only.

photo credit: dru nevermore

location: marcelo fernan bridge

05.22.2010

from the doodle pad: forever

friendly smile. simple hello.
eyes meet. fires aglow.
unsuspecting hearts. unheard whispers.
stolen glances... forever lingers.


fleeting touch. silent intentions.
midnight tears. suppressed emotions.
innocent hearts. captured together.
unspoken wish... lingers forever.


confessed feelings. mutual affection.
shared romance. love's perfection.
passioned hearts. pure surrender.
promised eternity... forever lingers.


forbidden bliss. love denied.
chained hearts. heaven deprived.
timeless regrets. painful "never".
a hopeless tear... lingers forever.


- 05.31.2001-

from the doodle pad: your mystery

you are a mystery

and you remain to be one

you hide deeper and deeper into your own world

as the silver moon hides in the night sky

i can measure not

the depths of your soul

but of certainty it is one

that weaves down into the unknown.

for what is it that you hide

from me and perhaps, the world?

a peek is all that can ever be..

a harmless glance but never a lingering gaze.

what will it take to assuage your guard?

would i be deprived of the answers i ask?

if the questions then remain unsatisfied

and the answers yet unfound

then you will remain that same mystery

the mystery i cannot seize.

-02.15.03-

from the doodle pad: forbidden

i long to tell you forbidden words...
... words i am not supposed to utter.
but you see, its all in here
kept, hidden, and left unrevealed.
because that's how it should be.


fear creeps through my soul
and i try to avoid your gaze...
'cause i know the moment you see my eyes
they will confess the guilt of loving you.


i should never fall,
you should never fall.
for loving entails hurt and pain and tears
-all the things we try to run away from.
we've been there before.
love is the road we should tread not
if we are to keep our hearts whole.


just let it go
because that is how it should be..
...kept, hidden and left unrevealed...
... suppressed, denied and soon,
maybe, even forgotten.


i should never fall,
you should never fall,
my reason forbids it.


-november 2002-

from the doodle pad: a look inside

i look at her face
darkened with pain
fear you have never seen.


i look at her heart
bruised with fear
pain you have never felt.


i look into her eyes
staring back at me
looking back at myself.


- 2003 -

i bought another journal early this month.. i know, i know, i've been hoarding notebooks and journals.. its just that it's cover has a "quote" that is sooo apt these times...


this is what it says...

from the doodle pad: contradictions

scorching is the sun, burning like fire
the world is ablaze, yet it is cold.


blue is the sky, lighted  by day
the world is bright, yet covered with darkness.


people walk around, littering the streets
the world is so full, yet it is empty.


everyone breathes, taking in air
there is life in this world, yet death looms over it.


-01.22.2003-

from the doodle pad: there's no such thing as love

there's no such thing as love

there is only

pain,

confusion

and

fears

hopeless dreams

and

tears.

its just deception

there's no such thing as love.

there's no such thing as love

man thought it up...

'said it would make you complete...

... it comes...

you don't have to seek.

it is plain deception

an idealistic conception

there's no such thing as love.

there is only you

there is only me...

pain,

confusion

and fears

hopeless dreams

and 

tears

there's no such thing as love.

-2002-

from the doodle pad: *@#?!*

what is the use of a sunrise?
if the great star will just set?
the sea rush to shore one minute..
and then roll back away from it?


same as why did i have to see you
and then watch you as you leave
same as why did i have to have you
ans still lose you in the end.


you are the sun that shone on me
you are the sea that kissed the shore
so why did you have to set on my sky
and roll away from my feet?


just make me understand.

from the doodle pad: ellipses

...and yes it's all too clear

you fell too fast

you fell too deep

you felt too strong

it made you weak

and you tried too hard

there are things in this world

one should not believe.

you wish you knew...

-august 2002-

past tense: hair

i miss this look... and the carefree personality that went with it.

on hiatus

its running 2 days. since i last went out of the house.

a year ago, this would have been one of my top 3 hardest things to do.

but things change... 

first off, i am on the verge of poverty... not that i haven't declared bankruptcy over and over again for sooo many times.. its just that this is the point when i feel the threat of permanence in terms of meager income inflow. i have resigned.

which brings us to the second reason why i am suddenly homebody. since i have tendered my resignation (yes i have!), i have lost interest in doing my job (unproud moment). but i promise to deliver what is expected of me before my term ends. come june, i will be unemployed... and "un-earning." sob.

third, the sun is too hot. need i say more? sun blocks and lotions which promise UV protection just doesn't seem to work anymore. 

yesterday, i think i didn't spend more than a total of 2 hours out of bed. i even ate in bed (sorry ma). i still had the orientation to perform self-care activities of course.imagine how i feel... it's like mild depression minus the crying and chest tightness (hilak-hilak ug huot-huot sa dughan). 

no. it must not be the hormones... its just way too early for that. 


so if i only had my way.. and my cash... here are the things i would have done during my 2-day "sick leave"...

1. go wind riding to new places (like outside the P.I hahaha)
2. take beautiful pictures
3. spend a night under the stars
4. learn something new... like cooking or surfing (i wish)
5. of course, shopping