snapped: random

we lose some

never did i believe when people said i could write.. 

but maybe i did. 

back during the years of youthful .. youthful.. umm..  i could not find a word.

now, i think i've gotten too old for "writing" my heart out.

always having second thoughts, always meeting a gap, a space, which can be filled by words i simply cannot arrive at.

my brain is incapable of reckless imagination - as it has been programmed to... (there's that gap again)... to shut most raw emotions in. its like an automatic lock i have set myself.. only to find out years after that i have forgotten its code.

Fatal Strokes

i write with my heart

a stain i try to rid myself of

for in every word that down i write

i give out a little of my soul

the ink springs not from the pen

but from thoughts deep down inside

i submit to such fatal transparency

with every single word i inscribe

to never touch a pen might imperil me not

my very wraith locked up with my very soul

but to be forbidden to write is deadly still

for poisoned is the ink allowed not to flow.

-05.15.2003-

snapped: destination anywhere

photo credit: dru nevermore

osmeña peak traverse to badian

02.17.2010

from the doodle pad : souls hearts and fools

who made a mistake?

who is to be blamed?

the trusting fool?

or the fool who can’t be tamed?

thoughtless actions

bitter words spoken

uncommitted soul

a heart left broken

and the cycle goes on

just on and on

thoughts and words

souls hearts and fools.

-2002 something-

snapped: prenatal portraits in sepia

shot : 7 + months ago

snapped : portraits in b&w

 (9 months ago)
venue: ilihan.. san remegio
models: sir vic, kiddie and kit

from the doodle pad: overthought

weary i have become of all these

things so simple yet i cannot grasp…

… or those that i refuse to take in.

so in shallowness i wallow,

in pity and remorse,

not understanding my own state of contemplation.

what is it then that i need?

what is it then that is amiss?

amidst all the truth i can grasp not,

or those that i simply refuse.

amongst the justifications i create and pretentious apathy i cloak myself with,

it is beyond my ability to befalse this truth…

that this world-weariness that is consuming me,

is in fact an after effect of your sudden indifference.

-bex-

100403

from the doodle pad: Love Poem

some tread by foot

some fly with wings

some swim in tears

others dance on strings

some become beggars

some become thieves 
some become poets

wearing hearts on their sleeves

the meek become stronger

the proud see through little child’s eyes

the wise, a fool one minute

shaping truth out of lies

a song most often heeded 
to a tunnel with unknown end

painful sweet stupidity

to some, a foe… 
to few, a friend

-written 6 years ago i think-

from the doodle pad: 08.29.2009

having you near

is like heaven and hell

a double edged sword that i keep cutting myself with.

cause being without you, i just cant be whole

just half a breath

half a beat

half a life..

it’s not living at all.

and yet, the nearness of you pricks in more ways than one.

your hands within reach but they refuse to hold mine

you are near yet so far away

so which pain would i rather take?

which side of the sword this time?

will the day ever come..

when i will feel no pain

in the absence or nearness of you?

shaken, not stirred

05.11.2010
handuraw, gorordo


at the age of 24, i’m still fool (pun not intended) full of drama… and sh*t.

here i am, desperately trying to write about what? love? don’t you think that’s a bit overrated?

i haven’t had alcohol for quite sometime and this one bottle of ice-cold erythematous pony is galloping a bit too quickly into my brain.

at this point , i’m missing my former drinking buddies… chiggy (now, successfully detoxified), dan (whose liver i think is vaccinated against liver cirrhosis), and cheu (who used to be unattached). mosh (who’s sooo far away) would undoubtedly be here with me if she was in the Phils. tin and julie, my co-divas, whom i miss singing out my RH-infused-lungs with.

sometimes, we miss our wild younger days, especially when we wanna loosen up.

been scanning my phone for prospective “kaladkarins” to accompany me. it seems everyone’s too busy, if not too old, to drink out tonight. lol

(photo dated : may 2009)

a toast to my attempt to write again:

can you?

drag me to walk

dare me to jump

push me to move

open my eyes

nudge me awake

rekindle my fire

ignite my spark

awaken my soul

can you stir me up?

mothers day post via tumblr

♥ yesterday i found out that my number is listed as “apple baby” in my mama’s phone book. 

her’s will forever be “mama” in mine ♥
happy mothers day ma.

this is by far, the most severe adrenaline-inducing activity i have “plunged” myself into.


i can still remember how it felt as i fell.. time stopped… everything stood still… and nothing else mattered. my insides were all in the wrong chambers and my heart was suddenly in my stomach. all i could think of as i fell in super slow mo was.. “mao na ni… wa na jud koy mabuhat.” and all i was able to say/shout/shriek was “wwwwaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!”

my spirit followed my body as it plunged downwards… and luckily, it reunited with my physical form.LOL

after that bout of adrenaline overdose, was a sense of peace and contentment as i swung back and forth over the ravine, far from the screams of on lookers… i felt like a baby cradled in Nature’s silence.

seriously now, twas one hell of an experience. you should try it while the ropes have not worn out. haha

05.02.2010

re-connecting...

so how do you re-start something you have turned your back on? it has been almost a year since i last blogged for real.
being boring and ordinary has never been my dream and i have always believed (deep down inside) that i am, as friends would (should) agree, anything but boring and ordinary. haha
so here’s how i jump-start my thinking-writing-drama mode: THE LIST: what this new blog will boast of..

1.  me… candid, natural.. will indicate which parts are make-believe. haha
2. thoughts… randomly popping out of my brain or those that have been punishingly running back-and-forth my neural pathway
3. dreams and frustrations
4. where the wind brings me
5. people who matter in my world.

im still alive!!!

i think i've kept silent for quite a long time. =)

a lot of things have happened since my last blog entry.

the list:
-i graduated.
-took the board exams... and i'm not really sure if i'd pass. i'm hoping though.
-i'm working.

so far that's it.
BORING.

i know.

a long sigh

finally... i'm done with my cases... and soon, i will be done and over with my college life... which, i may say is cool and memorable... except for some really annoying moments.... because of some really annoying people.

im really proud on the other hand bacause despite d many ugly things people are doin to me, i still have d want to do good things... and im happy for my good deeds today!

yehey...

i have no tym for this.
just wanna say to the world that i am happy... =)

dried up

im afraid im saying this because this is exactly how i feel...

i think i'm drying up...

there.

and its all i can write about.

my brain is too dried up to think.

questions..

In one sentence, explain what ended your last relationship:
do you mean formal girlfriend-boyfriend relationship? or does M.U count? heheh

What made you smile today?
change the question to: what will make me smile today... sed... were meeting up and going out... he'll be here in less than an hour... then i'd be smiling. =) even the thought of seeing him makes me smile already...

What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
cheking out pix of friends in friendster.... been on line for almost an hour.

Something that happened to you in 1985?
perhaps, i was struggling to break free from my cord coil when i was delivered via NSVD... i blame my cord coil for my neck... hehe

Your prom night?
can you call nightingales night as prom night? i had a really horrible eye sty... (is the spelling right?hehe) i had to wear really heavy eye make-up to cover it up... my eyelid was so heavy..

In one sentence, explain what ended your last relationship:
we weren't serious.

Worst thing currently on television?
news probably... mostly are negatives... haven't really watched tv.

What was in the mail today?
haven't checked my mail either...

What is your favorite part of the day?
when we go home after school... the walk home... the talks... everything.

What makes you sad today?
there was something.... absence.

What can make you happy?
many simple things..

you call this a sem break?

it sure doesn't feel like it!!!!

phew!

• i took my last exam this morning... the summative one. it was such a head ache! i wasn't expecting anything great from my finals and summative exams... considering that i dozed off when i should have been studying
• but hey... i would be a liar if dont admit that i am happy to have passed my exams no matter the grade. but it wasnt jud any grade. hehehe. im feeling secure with my Nursing Research too.
• Now, don't get this negatively. im not boasting... just really happy.
• one more semester to go and im done. i cant wait.

some really annoying events.

• im just really pissed with the 40-item quiz that i took... and someone stupidly lost my paper, it didn't even reach my c.i's hands. argh!
• the computer cant read my memory stik! double argh!
• sedfrey's in bogo! triple argh!

anyway, im passing NCM 104. its good... jst not the best... but stil good.

this was last week